You need a girl who doesn't play games.

I'm still thinking about my dead baby too!

2005-11-04T21:36:38Z

And it is the end,
of a Gallery500 era...

It might as well be
the factory closing
all over again.

My birthday is in 6 days.

in tact.

2005-10-24T20:59:39Z

Capote was great.

For all of you keeping
tabs on me, things are
o.k. and I am still here.

No pun intended

2005-08-02T06:31:20Z

I spent the last 5 days in a
mental institution, for the
sane and emotionally challenged.
I missed work, my fiance's departure,
my make up, my friends, and my father.
Hell, I feel like I missed a whole decade
of my life. And now I am hopped up on
all kinds of medication.
buspirone
prozac
lithium
zyprexa
and this is who I am now,
a "pill popper".
Oh! the insanity...

marriagelife isfor thebirds

2005-07-22T21:52:46Z

completelunacy
lastnight

sundaynight
phonecall
tomissesmommy.

boughtatoyfor
ediththetot
nothereyet,
somedaysoon...

This child in me.

2005-07-06T05:50:35Z

And you didn't say it back,
but they have never said it back.
And I hate to compare,
but you don't so much contrast.

never say it first, girls.
becuase they boys will do you wrong,
they always do me wrong.

seriously.

2005-06-28T09:36:22Z

I got fired,
after I put my two weeks in
against my will.

At least there will be no more
of this, "I can't be
out late, have to
work early in the morning", sort
of ness. at least.

and there better be some
un-employment.

anybody know of a good/
cheap lawyer?

seriously.

gross.

2005-06-23T03:31:40Z

empty mailbox.

enough of this

2005-06-19T04:58:42Z

the foot stomping begins. and no, i don't care that the store just opened, and i don't care that i appear to be a gigantic dork for buying the penguin shaped gummy chews to release my sexual tension. i've got shit to do. and i'll be there next tuesday morning, too. deal with it. but i've also got this headache. it's coming to me. in eyeshadow and lipgloss ware. whoever you are. i miss you, illinois. i've not heard from you in weeks. i keep praying hail mary's for your faithlessness [in life]. i want to put my fingers in your mouth and remember your gestures i've begun to forget. i like the way my lungs sigh inside these tobacco-heavy days. this headache. time to pick myself up again. time to lay in bed even though i'm not tired. time to re-build your frame out of blurry photos and memories of black pants scents. i won't leave the house until the mail has come. that first poem i wrote you was one of my best. come back. don't go away.

Anything and trinkets!

2005-06-17T00:36:37Z

If you people want,
if you people even read this
journal-ish internet "thing"
please send me things
in the mail, to further and/or
support my recovery!

miss elysa gale
13856 se. 97th ave.
clackamas, or
97015

please.

shot myself an hour ago.

2005-06-17T00:34:00Z

I am still sad,
this medication
EDIT: these medications,
are not working...yet...

Go watch "Closer" it's
a good movie. I think.

weight gain city: next sop.

2005-05-22T06:39:12Z

Everybody knows somebody
who knows some body,
who knows somebody- and I am
so sick of hearing about it all.

Wednesday I start my "cocktail"
medication routine. I will be on
prozac for the "whole" of my
chemical imbalance. Trazadone
for my anxiety and insomnia.
And becuase the prozac will
cause manic episodes I will be
on, last but not least, lithium-
to control the mood swings and
diminish the manic episodes.

my life and thought process
is about to change profoundly.

you'll all have to come to
visit in a few months, and
meet the new and improved me!

(?)

2005-05-19T00:39:58Z

if it can be broken
than it can be fixed
and so
I'M IN CONTROL
I'M
IN
CON-
TROL.
I'M_IN_C_O_N_T_R_O_L________.

3 a.m.

2005-04-30T10:52:10Z

Next time,
call somebody who has a car.

it might work out
to your advantage.

edit-

2005-04-25T10:10:51Z

to that last entry...

if anyone has a floor or couch i could
crash on, it would much appreciated;
my current homesituation is not a
safe or healthy one for that matter.

thanks.

cry wolf?

2005-04-25T01:52:41Z

i guess jonny was right,
all those things he used to say-
all those times he would yell to me,
that i am the most selfish, most self-
destructive person he has ever met, that
i couldn't ever be a lover, that i could never
possibly really, truely, love some
one with all my heart. that i will never
be a part of bettering you, bettering
me, bettering you- or anyone for
that mater... i guess all those
things that jonny and my
dad used to throw at
me were true.

i spent the sunniest day, in months,
inside of 4different hospitals. and
tomorrow,i will be in 2 more. i am
not in a good place right now. i
would rally love someone to spend
some of their time with me, if they can
squeeze me into their busy life. any
one? any one? ...some one...

now what?

2005-04-20T07:49:20Z

...and three nights ago,
we were having sex,
for five hours, continuously.

it's been long-

2005-04-20T07:45:50Z

I sure walked into the scene...

I think my boyfriend tried to
kill himself last night,
and today he has been missing.
I have to call the hospitals now.

what a selfish motherfucker.
if anybody is going to fuck
themeselves in my relationships
it is going to be me!

you don't fill me up the same.

2005-03-28T10:00:55Z

I've got my million dollar contract, and I have no idea what I have been waiting for?! There are plenty of men clouser to my own age, who do deserve me; and I have been making them compete with these boy-ish middle age asses who do not deserve me, not even my smile. What have I been making them wait for?! Welcome home dignity! (if I die with nothing more but you, i will remain sane...)

since I was a child.

2005-03-23T22:14:05Z

I don't understand why
everybody keeps going
away from me. it hurts.

swollen

2005-03-21T23:31:24Z

and so goes the first car wreck!

I have a minor head injury,
a fractured clavical,
and a fractured hand.

no news yet on the car.

read to me.

2005-03-20T11:09:24Z

I got stood up.
I got let down.

I'm starting to learn
alot more about circles,
then I knew about lines.

I need some?thing...

2005-03-18T10:34:42Z

Las Vegas gave Blaire a boyfriend.
Utah gave Blaire boobs.
And this city gave Blaire
the break in her sidewalk;
that she so desperately needed.

And some thing has given me any thing,
which is also referred to as no thing...

Some?body help me. some how.

Call your mother, when I'm over...

2005-03-11T09:02:39Z

Dear Puzzel piece;

I'll take an inch,
but I would sure love a mile.

Your lady in waiting,

Elysa

is she involved again?

2005-03-09T06:47:42Z

this is the first day of my "new" life.
i remember you playing this. i remember reaching for you. i recall. every goddamned word. so i phone you, and you're selling $200 in vinyl to traffic downtown and i'm in pain and you just don't give a shit. it's foreign to you, now. this ache of mine. you used to revel in it, you know. i did. i know i did. and so i've got this choke so yeah, sure, i'll lay down for a while, listen to this song over and over again and not do my therepy. not bathe myself for 3 days. but you're working and promoting and spinning and new-life-ing. the fucked up thing is, is, is. that i want to feel it all again. wake up. feel something. and you're indifferent. yours was the first face that i saw. i think i was blind before i met you.

5 white dresses and 7 black pairs of tights inside of a yellow shaded suitcase.

2005-03-07T12:09:11Z

i walked in to a quiet room with a widow in the hallway. i've been in the car for 3 hours, but i'm not tired. i'm thinking about patrick. about the sex. about the envelopes i just purchased from the card shoppe. about this future. about my mother, and how i'm going to work with her on this. how i'm counting on her to understand how important this is to me, how honest and sincere and true this quest is. maybe i've never believed in anything this much. maybe i've never worried this way. he's become a part of my everyday. i left his studio by 8am, drove on an empty stomech for 2 hours, and then sat on the steps to kill some time. then i met with the doctors, but indirectly...signing documents, taking tests- in a room i hope nobody ever has to see inside. i tell five people my story in the first half of the day. and i walked in to the room. i smoke on the bay widow and read what they need me to read for the day. the doctor comes inside, and i pretend to be "at home". he asks me if i'm watching the news, and i am. i tell him i've had a hard day...that sometimes situations come over me, and i get terrified, and don't know what to do. i had a visit with a lover just 6 hours ago, and he told me that he was not only impressed, but that most un-wanted lovers would be jealous of the drive and body of sureness i've created for myself. it is 3:56 am. i've been up since 7am. and i'm not yet tired. i'll be up at 7 again tomorrow. and i just don't know what to do. sit here and stare, paint my nails. Patrick wouldn't want me to act this way...